so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
