Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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