good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
