Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
