My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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