sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
