I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
