When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
