I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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