I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
