Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
