I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
