i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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