Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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