Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
