Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
