Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
