I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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