everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
