Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
