I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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