Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
