what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
