I'm lost and stupid without you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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