I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
