fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
