How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
