Porn is love you can see.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
