At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You are a genius and a whore.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize