After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
