Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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