When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize