You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
