Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
