i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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