hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
