I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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