I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
