life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
