Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
