I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it hurts more in the daytime
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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