i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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