Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
