so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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