We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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