Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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