How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
