Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
