They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
