im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
