I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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