she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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