ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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