i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
