He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
