How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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