sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
