I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize