in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
