I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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