why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
