Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
