the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
