all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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